I surrender, finally
I feel like the Lord has been setting me up for something and He’s ambushed me on every side. For the past two days, my devotionals have been focused on faith. From Open Heavens, to Look Unto Me, and even My Utmost for His Highest, everyone has decided to talk about faith. I promise you, even when I miss some days and I catch up, I still land on the devotional about faith. It’s obvious that I have some work to do in that department and since I’m so far from perfect, the work has been a lot.
Concurrently to learning about faith, I’ve been learning about the Holy Spirit and His work in our lives. One big thing that I haven’t quite understood is how to accept grace. Grace is free. It is not earned, neither is it merited. It’s God’s free gift to us.
Jesus has come and He’s gone back to heaven. He’s given us His spirit, the spirit of power, and revelation, and teaching. Without the Holy Spirit, it is impossible to have faith and without faith, it is impossible to please God, because God is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. But to have faith and accept the Holy Spirit, we must receive the free gift of grace. Everything is co-depedent so we cannot cheat ourselves.
Lately I’ve been going round and round thinking about life after graduation. I wonder, where will I stay if I graduate and don’t have a job and a place to stay? I don’t have any close family in America and I don’t have money for the one-way ticket back home.
I don’t even know where I’ll lay my head the day after I graduate and am kicked off my college campus (quite literally). Also, my mother and sister are supposed to attend my graduation but their visas are not ready yet and time is ticking. Sigh. I also have school work to complete this semester. Double sigh.
Of course, that's a lot and it's kept my little mind active, and it's in addition to the bad habit of online window shopping (because no purchasing power hehe) and pairing work outfits in my head.
But as my devotionals continue to remind me, the Lord is calling me to trust. To leave everything on the altar and to trust.
Imagine that you’re lost in a desert with no idea how to get out. You look all around you and you only find mountains of sand as far as your eyes can see. You have the choice of a map and a personal guide, who knows the desert pretty well and can take you out. But you also have solid knowledge of reading maps and a functional compass. What do you choose?
Personally, I’d choose the personal tour guide, at least for the companionship and for the mere fact that if I get into trouble, I have someone else to help me out.
That person is the Holy Spirit. Right now I’m standing at a crossroads of my life and I have no idea where the next few months will lead me, Jesus is asking me to leave everything and to have faith in Him. He’s telling me that His eyes are on me and that I’m nestled in the palm of His hand.
The one big thing about faith is that it requires yielding. You cannot trust in God if you’re still holding back, you’re not trusting God if you still sit up all night looking at possible options for life after graduation and then getting discouraged because everything is so daunting.
Faith in God means that even thought I cannot see beyond the next few steps, I know that He will come through at the end of this phase of my life and safely lead me where He wants me to be next.
It doesn’t make sense. How can I possible leave my future to the hands of this person who has promised to bring me to fullness in Himself? Sometimes I want to ask: God do you even understand? Did you ever have to look for a job? Did you ever live and work in a different country so far away from home when you were just 22?
It doesn’t make sense but God came on earth and died for my sins. He has died to be my personal tour guide and He has paid the ultimate price for me.
I don’t even know what having faith in God looks like in my situation right now. I don’t even know what yielding to God means, I have no idea how to have this intimate relationship with the Holy Spirit that I passionately crave.
That’s the thing about grace. Grace paid the price for me. Grace teaches me how to yield.
All I know is that when the going gets tough, I look to Jesus and I whisper Jesus I need your help. Jesus I need you.
That’s the one prayer I’m saying for the next few months and for the rest of my life. Jesus I need you. Jesus you’re great, you’re worthy, I need you. Come into my life and have your way, I cannot do this on my own.
Here’s a little something from my journaling last night:
“I’ve been perusing the world wide web for hours and hours. There’s a lot I could do in the world, by the grace of God, there’s a lot I can do. But whatever you plan for me to do is all I want to do.”
A little trick I've picked up is writing out scripture that speaks to me in this very period. I need to remind myself that Jesus is Lord and that He rules and reigns over the universe, and that He cares about me and He will keep me in peace and security.
Featured images from gif.