...and who do you think you are?
Once upon a time, something happened. And I got upset. I got upset because I felt like I tried so hard and do all I could to serve God and to do His will (although I often fail terribly). So why, I thought, did all that happen to me? Why didn’t He warn me earlier, why did He watch me fall into the trap again? It was the same story of someone doing something, or I doing something, falling short, then feeling bad, getting upset, and finally asking "Oh Lord, why didn’t you warn me ahead of time? Why did you not also prevent me from this? Why do you not help me?"
But that day, just as I was about to launch a big, annoying rant about how God is good to other people and bla bla bla, something in my heart told me to shut my mouth.
A little detour.
I find it very difficult sharing the struggles I face in my spiritual life, as I often fail in extremely embarrassing and shameful ways. But it always occurs to me that my mistake could be shared, and that my weaknesses could be a source of strength for others. That is one of the reasons why I am posting this.
Here is another reason- although I fall short so many times, I question God, I wrestle with Him, and I fight, one thing is certain. He is merciful, and He picks me up more times than I can even imagine. And the joy of those moments is too much not to share.
Finally, as most of you know, this blog is a contract between God and I. Nigerian writer (Times magazine says she's one of the 100 Most Influential People in 2015) Chimmamanda Adichie always says that while recognition is great, she would still be in some office somewhere writing, even if no one read her books, because writing is her life’s passion.
Yeah, that’s me. Even if no one read my blog posts, I would still write them. Please don’t get me wrong, it’s great when people read my posts, comment, send me messages, or share on Facebook. But while I absolutely relish those moments, that is not my motivation. I blog because God told me to.
If there’s one thing I want you to know, it’s that I am struggle at my life and my spirituality. I literally cannot do anything on my own. Sometimes, I feel really bad about myself. I am broken, often unforgiving, proud, and sometimes arrogant. I talk too much, cannot keep secrets, and can be condescending. I still feel guilt for things I did in the past, and I am sometimes nervous about my future.
And that’s exactly what God want us not to do. He is a forgiving father- He forgives our sin and forgets them, so He does not want us to hold on to guilt. When God looks at us, He does not see a fornicator, a liar, a murderer, or a proud, arrogant, or boastful person. He sees a person He loves so desperately that He sent His son to die.
God also wants us to rest assured in Him because He knows our future. He has known His plans for us before we were conceived. He created the universe, so there is literally nothing that can even be remotely shocking, surprising, or overwhelming to Him.
I'll continue this post tomorrow. It's getting too long. And in tomorrow's post, I'll talk about what I actually learnt about being frustrated at God/ failing so many times/ why He told me to shut my mouth.
Image from here.